Monday, February 28, 2005

today i am struck by something else. and u know what? i really really hate life so much sometimes. i hate its ability for moving on so cleanly without me. i know, the world doesnt only revolve around one person but isnt the revolution of the world affect by a person too? so i've been told that everyone makes up a part of the world, and that the world will be different without a person. is that all bullshit? it sure feels like it.


maybe i'm just overly sensitive. maybe i'm just.. i dont know. today i felt like a stranger looking at myself from the outside. and i realised everything that i did, everything that has happened was almost a travesty, a joke. is that it? that everything that has been done is almost like its done in vain? in the course of communicating with certain people, i felt as if every sentence is a mockery, every action a taunt. is that what is left for me? am i almost the last to know of everything? is that what is in for me? i do wonder, did i bring it upon myself? maybe i did, maybe i didnt. even if its due to certain actions i've made or said or done, it does not justify what went on today. what is this fricking sick, sick thing that's going on?


to the people who commented that i've become withdrawn and in the words of someone, just plain "weird", i'm sorry. i am. i'm sorry for withdrawing and retreating, for seemingly running away, i'm sorry if i didnt live up to ur usual expectation of me as an energetic and forever smiling and nothing-seems-to-bother-me kinda person. i know u hate the old cliche but i'm gonna say it anyway.. it's not u, it's me. i'm sorry if u think that its a lousy excuse too. its just that stark realisation hurts.


i seem to run into some kind of emotional rut every semester. last sem there was one and this sem, there is one too. is this what smu has given me? if it is, its pretty lousy. i feel lousy and i;m sure its making everyone around me feel lousy too.


everything that ran through my mind, all that i've seen and felt and thought... it just brings me to one conlusion. one sad stark realisation. for some people, there maybe someone who means the world to them, something whom they cant go on without. being the huge commitment phobe that i am, i have yet to form any deep amotional attachments to anything. so much so that i think when it comes to the crunch, i am the kind whom people will notice when i'm around but whom people will definitely not miss when i'm not around. i wont lie to myself nor will i allow other's comfort and sympathy to make me think otherwise. the sentence where they say only u know urself best? that's the most fricking true statement ever made. i know myself best, and no one comes close to knowing the real me. i know that sadly, yes i think i am that insignificant. everything can just move on so cleanly without me.


i know, i know what they say about fighting for what u believe in, for not letting go of whatever is so precious to u. i know i am slowly but surely losing grip on a lot of things, losing my focus, my energy, my concentration yet i'm not making a significant enough effort to haul my life back on track. it's like something inside of me has almost given up. i've lost something in me, i need to go back and find it. or maybe it is that i really havent found it in the first place. either way, i'm screwed. i;ve never felt this way before and somehow, it scares me. there's no point asking me to talk about it, i'll just say i'm fine cos that's exactly how i am, in that i just simply dont trust anything enough to throw my whole soul into it. sometimes, i just want to cry my heart and eyes out but somehow, there are just no tears. maybe its time to let it all out.


i never thought i'd say this but after 1 year and 7 months with this blog of mine, i think it's time for me to do something i have thought of doing but never really brought myself to do. how long it will last, i do not know. maybe a fornight, maybe a month, maybe forever. i really do not know. all i know is that the use of a blog is pretty much gone if i have to think carefully and rephrase my sentences everytime i want to blog. i do not know who reads this blog so i'm always careful to use cryptic language that might look innocent to the unsuspecting eye. well i'm sick of it.

meanwhile, in the rare event that u do have sth to say, u can tag, or drop me a mail at jhalways@gmail.com... dont bank too much on msn. i might not even reply.


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