Monday, February 28, 2005

today i am struck by something else. and u know what? i really really hate life so much sometimes. i hate its ability for moving on so cleanly without me. i know, the world doesnt only revolve around one person but isnt the revolution of the world affect by a person too? so i've been told that everyone makes up a part of the world, and that the world will be different without a person. is that all bullshit? it sure feels like it.


maybe i'm just overly sensitive. maybe i'm just.. i dont know. today i felt like a stranger looking at myself from the outside. and i realised everything that i did, everything that has happened was almost a travesty, a joke. is that it? that everything that has been done is almost like its done in vain? in the course of communicating with certain people, i felt as if every sentence is a mockery, every action a taunt. is that what is left for me? am i almost the last to know of everything? is that what is in for me? i do wonder, did i bring it upon myself? maybe i did, maybe i didnt. even if its due to certain actions i've made or said or done, it does not justify what went on today. what is this fricking sick, sick thing that's going on?


to the people who commented that i've become withdrawn and in the words of someone, just plain "weird", i'm sorry. i am. i'm sorry for withdrawing and retreating, for seemingly running away, i'm sorry if i didnt live up to ur usual expectation of me as an energetic and forever smiling and nothing-seems-to-bother-me kinda person. i know u hate the old cliche but i'm gonna say it anyway.. it's not u, it's me. i'm sorry if u think that its a lousy excuse too. its just that stark realisation hurts.


i seem to run into some kind of emotional rut every semester. last sem there was one and this sem, there is one too. is this what smu has given me? if it is, its pretty lousy. i feel lousy and i;m sure its making everyone around me feel lousy too.


everything that ran through my mind, all that i've seen and felt and thought... it just brings me to one conlusion. one sad stark realisation. for some people, there maybe someone who means the world to them, something whom they cant go on without. being the huge commitment phobe that i am, i have yet to form any deep amotional attachments to anything. so much so that i think when it comes to the crunch, i am the kind whom people will notice when i'm around but whom people will definitely not miss when i'm not around. i wont lie to myself nor will i allow other's comfort and sympathy to make me think otherwise. the sentence where they say only u know urself best? that's the most fricking true statement ever made. i know myself best, and no one comes close to knowing the real me. i know that sadly, yes i think i am that insignificant. everything can just move on so cleanly without me.


i know, i know what they say about fighting for what u believe in, for not letting go of whatever is so precious to u. i know i am slowly but surely losing grip on a lot of things, losing my focus, my energy, my concentration yet i'm not making a significant enough effort to haul my life back on track. it's like something inside of me has almost given up. i've lost something in me, i need to go back and find it. or maybe it is that i really havent found it in the first place. either way, i'm screwed. i;ve never felt this way before and somehow, it scares me. there's no point asking me to talk about it, i'll just say i'm fine cos that's exactly how i am, in that i just simply dont trust anything enough to throw my whole soul into it. sometimes, i just want to cry my heart and eyes out but somehow, there are just no tears. maybe its time to let it all out.


i never thought i'd say this but after 1 year and 7 months with this blog of mine, i think it's time for me to do something i have thought of doing but never really brought myself to do. how long it will last, i do not know. maybe a fornight, maybe a month, maybe forever. i really do not know. all i know is that the use of a blog is pretty much gone if i have to think carefully and rephrase my sentences everytime i want to blog. i do not know who reads this blog so i'm always careful to use cryptic language that might look innocent to the unsuspecting eye. well i'm sick of it.

meanwhile, in the rare event that u do have sth to say, u can tag, or drop me a mail at jhalways@gmail.com... dont bank too much on msn. i might not even reply.


------ Sunday, February 27, 2005

for the umpteenth time i've told myself, i'm giving up thinking about things that wont get me anywhere. no more this, no more that. no more whys, no more how comes, no more what ifs. simply put in yvonne's words, i just want to get through this sem in one piece. no more hoohas, no more wham-bams, no more bling-blings. no more k, no more j, no more h. yeah i can do this. just focus on the countless projects n papers, i can do this.
to yv and hy, i've told u 2 a lot of things the past week, more than i've told anyone anything in my whole life. yes yes. i dont need much advice cos in my heart, i already know what i should do, its just that somehow, i didnt bring myself to do it. thx for listening, sweethearts. appreciate it lots.
so now for the umpteenth time again, i'm giving up. gonna concentrate on just bringing my life back on track. =)


------ Saturday, February 26, 2005

i am completely and totally drowning in the voice of damien rice right now. there is sth in his voice that makes these simple lines so powerful and emotion-trigering. i swear i could almost cry.


"The Blower's Daughter" ~ Damien Rice
and so it is
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time
and so it is
the shorter story
no love no glory
no hero in her skies


I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes..


and so it is
just like you said it should be
we'll both forget the breeze
most of the time
and so it is
the colder water
the blower's daughter
the pupil in denial


I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...eyes...


ohh, did I say that I loathe you?
did I say that I want to leave it all behind..


I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind..


my mind..my mind..
til I find somebody new..



simply wonderful song. his voice is just so emotional. its the kind of voice i can drown in. i love this song, in a totally twisted kind of way. bcos it reminds me of u. did i say i shd forget u? i did. but i couldn't. i cant take my mind off u. for now, at least.


------

I am driving up 85 in the
Kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
And leave it all behind


Cause I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life


Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?


I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
Wood in places to make it feel like home
But all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just the stirring in my soul


Either way I wonder sometimes
About the outcome
Of a still verdictless life


Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why Georgia, why?


So what, so I've got a smile on
But it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me, don't believe me
When I say I've got it down


Everybody is just a stranger but
That's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
Still everything happens for a reason
Is no reason not to ask yourself


If you are living it right
Are you living it right?
Are you living it right?
Why, tell me why
Why Georgia, why?



"Why Georgia?" ~ John Mayer
i love the lyrics of this song. as with john mayer's other songs.

i'mtootiredtothinktoomuchnow.


------ Thursday, February 24, 2005

questions i dont really want answers to


its a long and complicated thing. well, not too long but definitely complicated. i just want my life to return to a more normal pace. correction. a slower pace. one which i'm more familiar with. like uhm, the most pressing question is what we should have for dinner. haha. (sounds familiar?)


went to watch "closer" just now with edwin.. jude law is like whoa! the show is not too bad though i dont really get what the show really wants to portray. jude law is like whoa. (have i said tt already?) i still wanna watch hotel rwanda!


ohyeah, i got a gmail! thanks to heyuan.. flood this one: jhalways@gmail.com


------ Wednesday, February 23, 2005

it's finally over!
all the big events are over. finally. tush was alrite la. had a lot of free drink coupons so we drank like siao haha. and the thing is that we all down our drinks so quickly, its a bit scary haha. but nonetheless, tush was a gd experience, got to know nice ppl from nus and ntu.. not bad at all!


now i shd really get down to studying and my projects! week9: biz law midterm! AS presentation! MA presentation! bgs midterm! week10: BGS minor project! MA report! my turn for the famed hell week. gahhh.


i do not know if i shd feel disappointed with some stuff. nah i probably shouldn't. its not fair to them anw. its time to forget abt these issues and move on! lol.


it's so easy to call u a jerk but then again, i'm not any much better. i just want to say that all along, i was in control of myself and i knew what i was doing. i allowed it. that's the damning part. whatever.


------ Sunday, February 20, 2005

waikiki is finally over.
yeah so there's this huge sigh of relief washing over me. 1 down, 1 to go. anw. today's events were kinda ok, crowd was kinda expected.. and not much sk to do. *whew* that kinda weather.. we'll all be cooked in the sun. excuse me, do u want us rare, medium or well done?? riiight. too tired to talk about waikiki la. just that my left eye is almost swollen shut due to contact lens irritation. *wince*


it's oddly marvellous how my brain can still squeeze some cells out to think about things that are like, of not much use to me. i mean like, HELLO! i wont get anywhere with that!


but still, i think about it. it's really frustrating how some people dont complete theri sentences when talking to me. HEY i'm not a sentence guesser nor am i a mind reader. if u wanna tell me something, say it out! don tell it to me halfway. u know how i absolutely dislike that. dont say things like "oh never mind la." or "actually i'm not supposed to say it." like wth, u are already in 2 minds whether to tell me or not so JUST SAY IT! if u're really not supposed to say or i'm not in the right to know, then dont even start okies.


so yeah, if u wanna tell me something, pls at least complete ur sentences. yes i admit i am dense and i so do not catch hints. i'm immune to hints. speak in complete sentences please. thank you.


------ Thursday, February 17, 2005

somewhere down the road, i lost my sense of purpose. i thought i knew what i was doing. but in fact, i'm just going through the motions. what is the true purpose of doing all this? i get no recognition, no space, no time to catch my breath. is that what i started out to get in the first place? to fill my time so i wont feel bored and useless? so that i will feel utilised? have i bitten off more than i can chew?


i'm tiredddd. waikiki and tush within 3 days of each other. my day is fully packed everyday from now till next tuesday. non stop action.


i was just observing something. humans are horribly difficult to handle. or rather, human relations are horribly hard to manage. doesnt help that i suck at it. gah.
i shd probably go and rehearse my emcee script for tmr but the good (note sacarsm) ppl of osl keep changing the bloody program list. how in the world do u want or can u expect melwyn n i to rehearse properly?


anw. watched the comedy video thing denise passed to me last nite aft tush meeting. its fantabulously hilarious! laughed my ass off. showed yensan and terence and they laughed like mad too.


alright metallica is giving me a huge headache.


thought i would feel better if i switched to good ol' linkin park but all it succeeded is to allow my headache to manifest.


aites, anyone who wants tix for tush just drop me a note. 22 feb tuesday at chinablack. 9pm till late. $15 presale, but $130 for 10 tix. door sales at $20. don wait. good stuff must grab.


I don't know what's worth fighting for, or why I have to scream. I don't know why I instigate, and say what I don't mean. I don't know how I got this way, I'll never be alright. So I'm breaking the habit tonight...


------

this song just got stuck in my mind..


"The World At Large" ~ Modest Mouse


Ice-age heat wave, can't complain
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand


I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way
Went to the porch to have a thought
Got to the door again, I couldn't stop


You don't know where and you don't know when
But you still got your words and you got your friends
Walk along to another day
Work a little harder, work another way


Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
We'll float on baby would you understand?


The days get shorter and the nights get cold
I like the autumn but this place is getting old
I pack up my belongings and head for the coast
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most


The days get longer and the nights smell green
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave


I like songs about drifters-books about the same
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane
Walked off onto another spot
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want


Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?


The moths beat themselves to death against the lights
Adding their breeze to the summer nights
Outside, water like air was great
I didn't know what I had that day


Walk a little farther to another plan
You said that you did, but you didn't understand


I know that starting over is not what life's about
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth
My thoughts were so loud


------ Tuesday, February 15, 2005

been blog surfing and came across some ppl's blogs. whats with the vday gripes? so what if ure dateless? i mean, hello, does life revolve ard dates? what in the world happened to ur best friends n all that? it is NOT tt bad on vday. sure u see all the roses n chocs gg ard.. havent u experienced it all before? did u feel that it was rubbish then? i think not. so pls. before u start criticising vday again, understand that there are many out there who do enjoy vday yeah. sure it sucks and yes it might remind u of past failed r/s n all that chit life deals u sometimes but c'mon, don think that the world shd revolve ard ur opinions pls. let others enjoy their day. who are we to spoil it for them?


ok enough abt my judgements. (yes i do judge so sue me. really, who doesnt?) bcos its vday/frdship day/whatever day we call it nowadays.. let me do up a list of things to be grateful for once again. i shd really do this more often. sure life deals its share of shit but i always have this list to remind me life is good to me too.


1. my family. couldnt have made it this far without my daddy, my mummy and my brother. my dad actually came back home specially just to cheer me up after i told him i failed my driving test and offered to send me to school for my biz law class. my mum and my bro were helping me to scold the motorcyclist. lol. i can never wish for better and more loving people to be my family. :)
2. bain my darling always. for having confidence in me when i doubted myself, for sharing my ups and downs, my laughter and my tears, basically so much of my life. thanks babe, for listening to me cry and all that today, for all ur advises and just simply, ur presence in my life. if i havent told u already, I LOVE YOU babe. VERY MUCH! *muaks*
3. yvonne dearest. who has been with me since that chinese class in sec3. the last 2 ppl to enter abp's class late. how fitting. haha. thx dearie, for sharing the past 5 yrs of my life in cedar, in vj and in smu! love ya too!
4. kelvina babe. yes its still a mystery how u're my "ex" and vice versa but i still love u all the same. love the times we shop together, gossip, go for classes at amore, or even just dinners. oh and jay's concert! let's have more of that!
5. huiying. who is now such a big part of my life i will really feel lost without her around in school. its really my good fortune to be able to get to know u better in smu after being in the same class in vj. thx babe for ur advises, the phone calls and the stories!
6. the fab5. anna, ln, ray and edmund. really, what is smu without u 4? and yes i so agree with anna that it always feels the best when all 5 of us r out together. love the times we go to adams or chomps to eat, sentosa, mahjong, even clubbing and esp the manutd-liverpool match. that was a blast!
7. edwin poh. haha u might not know it dude but chatting with u is so nice. mainly bcos we share the same tastes in music and various forms of entertainment. and u might not know it either but its interesting to listen to ur stories too! more of that.. and hotel rwanda, dude!
8. that fortunately and thankfully, my biz law class is different from my bgs and as class. i like biz law class much more cos i am more familiar with the ppl there. my biz law grpmates huiwen, valerie, pearlyn and sheryl who were so understanding and such nice ppl to work with.. yensan, rulin, claire, siying, andy, even lilin, stephanie and shawn etc.. its so so good to see familiar faces. without this biz law class, this sem would have been much more difficult to get through.
9. smube. for giving me a much needed sense of purpose and fulfillment esp at the completion of events. for giving me a chance to do things i've always wanted to do like song programming, managing artistes and even emceeing. long hours we spent together working to make events happen smoothly.. but i enjoyed them.
yeah i guess 9 is a nice number :)


okies actually my shit of a driving test actually served one good purpose today.
prof loo: (on the topic of fradulent misrepresentation)so who can give me a good example of what is the difference between reckless inconsideration and consideration without due care?
whole class thinks hard.
me: it's like driving and cutting lanes. reckless inconsideration is like cutting lanes w/o checking for traffic.. consideration w/o due care is like checking the rear n side mirror but forgetting the blind spot.
she was damn impressed. lol.


yeah nothing too much about the nite. just that i enjoyed it while it lasted. it was comfortable at least.


OH YES! i'm emceeing for my first ever event this friday! 12-2pm, venue unconfirmed. its a cny event (dont ask me why its so late) and apparently, i have to speak some chinese (helps). i'm co-hosting with melwyn. so excited! wish me success man! its been ages since i last spoke chinese formally. i can only speak conversational chinese fluently!


aites, what a long entry. been a long time since i blogged such a long entry. gg to slp now. nites.
wait maybe i shd watch the oc 11!


------ Monday, February 14, 2005

cny is over just like that.. went to watch constantine with huiying, ln, ray and anna on the first day of cny. its a gd show (keanu reeves just made it better :>) which is humourous and lame at times. tar out of constantine's lungs. lol.
this is pain, and u better get used to it.
i dont know why but this line just got me.


saboed
that pretty much sums up my driving test. i had a perfect circuit but when out on the roads, i got saboed by an accident between a lorry and a taxi, saboed by 2 bastards on a motorcycle and saboed by a new driver who turned so slowly. sigh. 36 points, if anyone is interested to know. just dont ask me to describe what happened. i dunoe if i would be able to stop cursing that 2 bastards on the motorcycle once i start. i would have passed if not for them.top notch sabo-ing there. *applause*


and right, thanks to those who lent a listening ear today. my dad, my mum, yvonne, bain, huiying, changqi n jeremy. thanks. haha.


------ Thursday, February 10, 2005

its been a rather busy cny period so its a pleasant surprise i actually have the time to slack at home and blog now.. been driving and interviewing people for projects even on cny, and this will resume on friday again..


sometimes i just wanna run away and hide. i dont want to face what i'm feeling. so u ask me to talk about it. but i cant. i dunoe why but i cant. dont force me. sigh.
i slept for 11 hrs but i am still so tired now i can sleep for another 11. iamsoverytired.



Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded


I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train


And Everything seems cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it


Runaway train never goin back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there


Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little outta touch, little insane
Just easier than dealin with the pain


Runaway train never goin back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there


Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
I runaway but it always seems the same


------ Sunday, February 06, 2005

conclusion: MA is definitely better than than FA. for now, that is. i thought the test was rather tricky and as usual, my answers seem to be different from my friends, which probably means i'm not gonna do well again. damn. but i believe i can do well if i work harder and practise more. now that's why i think MA is better than FA. =)


anw, went to watch soccer with edmund, ln and weiliang on sat. and yeah man utd won! idiot edmund went to bet for a draw. bahhh. never forget where your loyalty lies! haha..


is it possible to feel the same way for 2 different things at the same time? i'm confused.


------ Saturday, February 05, 2005

"A Lack Of Color" ~ Death Cab for Cutie


And when I see you
I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better
It picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around
Turns you around


If you feel discouraged
When there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover
It's really bursting at the seams
Absorbing everything
The spectrum's A to Z


This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
And the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone


I'm reaching for the phone
To call at 7:03
And on your machine
I slur a plea for you to come home
But I know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay


This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years


i am so so in love with dcfc. this song moved me so so much. its one of the best songs EVER, up there with coldplay's "yellow", yellowcard's "only one" and travis's "sing".
thanx, edwin. u did it again. introducing fantastic bands. =)




------ Friday, February 04, 2005

i figured that if i couldnt make everyone happy, then i could at least not make it miserable.
it doesnt does anyone good right? yeah what a relevation. yeah right :)




------

i'm happy for some ppl, i really am. deep within me. pls dont ever doubt that okies. i know i may not seem/sound like it today but its bcos its not just any other day. gahhh why am i even justifying it.


i know now where i stand
it is not a very surprising and shocking discovery but yes, reality always bites. but at least i'm clear. for some time, i might have let myself believe otherwise but now i'm clear once again. i dont blame any of you cos u may have your reasons and all that. maybe the problem lies with me afterall. i am not who i think i am. or rather, i am not who i like to think i am or i can become. and it's reflected by the things happening around me. yes reality bites and it kinda sucks but at least it's something concrete.


i'm sorry i can't be perfect
i am. kinda. i'm sorry if i seem halfway in between, neither here nor there. it's just that there are so many things going through my mind, i'm so so tired of thinking of and for everything. it's like i'm going through the motions. i'm just doing what seems right to do now. i'm just telling u the things u want to hear. i hold back things i really want to say simply bcos i do not have the energy to think about them anymore and i doubt u're really interested in what i have to say either.


i wish things could just stop
i need to catch my breath. and i'm sorry if i sweared cos things are just moving so so fast, i cant comprehend some stuff. and sometimes, i'm scared. i dunoe. fuck. i'm nothing. i have no big aspirations, i am not any good in my studies now, i suck at human relations. i'm just... nothing. hail the good ol' SFC.
the only sad thing is that i'm probably the only loser who feels fucked up now. and worse, i dont even know exactly why i feel so fucked up.


anyone up for boozing on sat nite? drop me a line or give me a call. it may just be the thing i need.


------ Thursday, February 03, 2005

what are YOU waiting for??


i have heard so much exciting news today, its almost more than i can take.
and this is incredible. the respones from you 2 are so similar i was so amazed. so what are you waiting for? i have no idea. but all the best at any rate.


here, i just wanna tell the people whom i hold dear to my heart - yv, bain, kel, hongyi, huiying amongst others - my hotline is open 24/7 to u all. i just want u all to know that again. i love u all.


------ Tuesday, February 01, 2005

has it only been 2 weeks? it sure feels longer than that.


------

"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?" he says.
The tension of opposites?
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.
"A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
Sounds like a wrestling match, I say.
"A wrestling match." He laughs. "Yes, you could describe life that way."
So which side wins, I ask?
"Which side wins?"
He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.
"Love wins. Love always wins."


wise words from a wise man.


------