Thursday, September 29, 2005

i should be such a lucky girl. i have friends who care.


1) bain, who's always there to listen to me, even when most of the times, i don tell her the exact everything but she's always there, and she always understands. i swear my life would be a torture without her.


2) kelvina, for just the knowledge that i can depend on her anytime, and for being someone so dear to me even though we are so busy nowadays that we dont meet as much as we would like to.


3) yvonne, my "only friend" this sem. just the knowledge that i am not alone in school is a huge comfort. for putting up with my nonsense - and coming up with her own to match mine!


4) huiying, who in spite of her own busy life, tries to find time to care about mine. though we no longer have the same timetables or the same free times for that matter but nonetheless, life in smu wouldnt be the same without u.


4) edwin, my twin for being able to make me laugh every time, for understanding how i feel without me saying much (that's why he's my twin!).


5) some of the best buddies i'll ever find - anna, ln, edmund and ray. who else will go drinking together on a sat nite? who else will msn me out of nowhere asking if i'm ok and offering to treat me to ice cream? who else will agree to go on impulse drinking with me (though it didnt happen), knowing full well that if i do go impulse drinking, i will get sloshed and they will have to send me home?


6) jeremy soh, for being the permanent chat fixture on sunday afternoons. though it always starts because of ais but it also always is good distraction. for encouranging me last weekend.


7) jeremy seah, for being the first to attempt to talk to me last sunday, and never gave up when my answers were monosyllabic cos i was down. for tahaning the shit i dumped on him sometimes, and for attempting to flush them away from me. for, with shireen, buying me limeade and mon cheri chocs to cheer me up yesterday.


8) shireen, for, with jem, buying me limeade and mon cheri chocs. for sharing with me the great toilet analogy. and for offering to be the plumber if my toilet ever gets choked.


i have such nice friends!
i should be such a lucky girl. now, why don't i exactly really feel that way??


on another note, i dreamt of ln and adrian ho last nite. hahaha. adrian ho?!
and in the dream, adrian and i seemed to be good friends even though i don really know him in reality. pretty nice dream actually.


=backtofinance=


------ Tuesday, September 27, 2005

i've been listening to this song on repeat mode till no end. i can't even remember when i started putting it on repeat mode:



"Legendary" ~ Lou Barlow


I know you've given all that you could give to me
I know there'll come a day I'll understand
Until then I'll be trying to solve your mystery
And wonder why I couldn't make you stay


Smiling through denial, my specialty
I thought that was a good thing for a while
You gave me all your secrets, were you testing me?
How could I do anything but smile?


Reenact your legendary tragedy
Do to me what has been done to you
Is that the only point to all this misery?
Is there any reason I should cry?


Heal.. takes time
And you gave me all you had
I know in time, I will believe
I loved you
Did you love me?
Did you love me?


Heal.. takes time
And you gave me all you had
I know in time, I will believe
I loved you
Did you love me?
Did you love me?



absolutely nice song. no prizes who sent the song to me long ago. yes you, my almost twin, the one who will still be there to bitch with me about life, people and how beer makes u want to piss more often when we're like 40 and counting. if i havent jetsetted on my dream to backpack around the world, that is!


decided to head to the lounge to chill instead of my usual library L4. played this darn addictive game called grow cube with them. go figure out the sequence at which the cute things grow there!
then apparently tarita and me tried to study. man i cannot study with her... she cracks me up till no end! darn funny la.. haha!


ok i'm super tired alr. another nite without doing anything productive.
=out=


------ Monday, September 26, 2005

Ed-win says:
why sound so down
jiahui says:
uhm cos i am down
Ed-win says:
then still smiling thru denial
jiahui says:
tts partly the reason y i feel so screwed up also
cos im always smiling thru denial
kinda loosely means like im nt feeling gd but i just smile thru evrything
Ed-win says:
okayy
[modified] sign of weakness rite?
understoodded
jiahui says:
man.. edwin
u phrased wat i felt so entirely
r u like my almost twin or sth
Ed-win says:
just a taller twin =p
jiahui says:
much much taller
u took my gd genes
Ed-win says:
=p


to my almost twin: THANK YOU. you made me laugh out loud man with that swimming story man!!


------ Sunday, September 25, 2005

the people whom i miss alot suddenly.


- bain
- kelvina
- edwin
- hian yi
- the old jiahui


ok i think i've missed all of them for a long time already.
need to meet up with ya all.
keeps my sanity in check.


and edwin, i havent been the passenger when u are driving yet!



and i wanna thank jeremy, jeremy, melissa, edwin, hui ying and yvonne. to the first 4, thanks for simply being people i can connect to. to the 2 gals, no spesh reason. just thank u.


------

"time flies. but it felt as thou it crawled at the same time."
"sigh. its like week 6 already."
"i feel like im suspended in the middle of nowhere."
"hmmm..."
"like.. sometimes things just seem so surreal? like... did it happen b4? was it so long ago? and then like... argh. sigh. aRGH. like.. 2 sides tearing at me.. 1 telling me tt its nth. the other telling me to give it up."
"gif up on? dun tell me sch my frend!"
"nah cos not. wat the thing is is the crux but i just don really feel like saying it. cos saying it makes it feel much more....... real. i'd rather still live in semi denial for now."


semi denial cant go on forever, my dear.
it's much better to face up to reality as soon as possible alright?
as the adage goes.. everything will pass. the sooner u face up to it, the easier it will be in the future. cross my heart.
things will be fine. really.
be happy. wat's the point of being infinitely sad? no point rite?
so yes, hurry up and feel better already! (thou i know it's easier said than done)
i'm waiting for the bright, happy side of u alrite..


------

i think i've really lost it. it's time to really turn the page. and not keep saying that i will turn it.



I waited 'til I saw the sun
I don't know why I didn't come
I left you by the house of fun
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come


When I saw the break of day
I wished that I could fly away
Instead of kneeling in the sand
Catching teardrops in my hand


My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever


Out across the endless sea
I would die in ecstasy
But I'll be a bag of bones
Driving down the road alone


My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind
Forever


Something has to make you run
I don't know why I didn't come
I feel as empty as a drum
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come
I don't know why I didn't come



ohwell. guess it's time to focus on my work again. no more distractions! no more!


------ Friday, September 23, 2005

i told myself i was determined to turn a fresh page and start again. i told myself that that night was the last night i was going to drown and let myself be down. come the next day, i will put it behind me and turn the page to start again. i will be happier. i will be fine.
that's what i told myself.


but then, i thought to myself, i am so afraid.
afraid that i might not find it in me to turn the page. that i could not let it go. i must. but i'm scared that i can't.
and i can't just keep turning a new page. i am so scared that one day, the book might run out of pages.


or worse, i will keep turning the pages and none of the pages will stay with me.


ohmygosh.


------ Wednesday, September 21, 2005

i. am. so. bored. and. tired. in. TWC. class. now.


zzzZZZzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


i am so sleep deprived yet i slept so late the past few nights. argh.


edwin introed another good website to me again last nite.
i'm that guy
makes for good read. some depressing stuff but then again, dont we all feed on such depressing stuff?


depressing stuff for the depressed soul.... I LIKE.


------ Tuesday, September 20, 2005

at about 12.45am..


J says:
shooooooooo
go slp!
jiahui says:
ahhhh
there;s interesting fact abt jiahui #34372632
she's a sucker for self torture
J says:
hahaha
i can tell
jiahui says:
tell u sth k but u cannot laugh at me
J says:
ahuh
jiahui says:
i am getting a high fr doing my twc slides now HAHAHA
J says:
..........
awesome!


and it's true okay! i WAS getting a high from doing my slides hohoho. but that temporary adrenaline rush is fast fading off now. so i guess it's time to sleep! income tax tmr! then followed by AIS mtg and TWC mtg.. looong day!


=peaceout=


------ Sunday, September 18, 2005

sth amusing happened in friday's finance class. it involves pearlyn and me. for once, i went into class earlier than pearl. then she came rushing into class, sat down for a mo, and exclaimed "die i forgot to bring my finance assgn!" so we began strategising what she could do to drive home to get her assgn and came to the conclusion that she should just skip class. by that time prof was alr in class. so when he turned his back for that 3 seconds, pearl 超级变变变不见! disappeared to get her assgn. and just nice after break, she 超级变变变回来!! was quite amusing. those sitting around us were pretty amused.
had a looong twc meeting after that. in between which we took power naps, chilled to music, talked crap, went to the toilet countless times and cracked jokes. hahaha. needless to say, we havent managed to finish our wct presentation stuff. then we went to PS for a late dinner. by then we were all shack to the max alr so jem and i went off first while shir continued her nite..


yday went for a rehearsal for some skit. ahahhaaa funny stuff. then went for the BE mid-autumn get together. rather fun la.
then LN n i went to meet ray for drinks at timbre. that place is not bad sia! smu students get 15% off drinks after 9pm! awesome! and that place wasnt too crowded (in fact, its not crowded at all hah) and its not smoky, that's the best part. so basically we dont go home smelling like smoke machines. so 3 of us dranks 3 jugs of beer between us, while talking abt everything under the (non-existent) moon. the band last nite, soulitude, was not bad. the vocalist is good! she managed to hit all the notes while singing alicia key's "if i aint got u".. then we saw wendi koh (supposedly an actress??) and also saw olinda cho and her friends, of which one is supposedly (according to LN) a model. mmmmmmm.
wendi n olinda went up to sing towards the end but..... i think i prefer soulitude. heh heh.


anyways. thanks my 2 buddies.. really enjoyed myself last nite! it's always so great to hang out with u guys.. edmund n anna better join us for the next round of drinks man! it's always best when all 5 of us hang out together.. =)



on a sidenote: time to go running! gosh the huge amount of calories i consumed last nite!!!! beer's bad!


------ Wednesday, September 14, 2005

let's not talk about classes today. shack to the max man!


today's highlight: salsa class!!!
my very first lesson. and yeah it was fun and funny. learnt the simple basic moves which are enough to trip me up sometimes. especially with the hips coordination ahahaa. interesting!
then went for dinner with joyce.. was great! even indulged ourselves with a spot of shopping before heading home!
[guilty conscience kicking in: u fool! ais and finance due on friday n u still went shopping?!]


will be panda eyed tmr.. cos there's man utd vs villareal on starsports! exciring! think i'm just gonna stay up thru'out to watch it..


and i have gotten the oc season 3 eps 1 alr.. awesome la.



解脱 是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手
你有自由走 我有自由好好过
解脱 是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走
这世界辽阔 我总会实现一个梦
i know this is a song from long ago already.. but i'm kinda addicted to it now. amei's voice is so full of emotion.


=backtoais=


------ Tuesday, September 13, 2005

mitch's ais class on monday was actually rather amusing, boring stuff aside. mitch was rather humorous man! makes my monday morning that bit better. went to help out at arts fest booth after class and went to sign up for latin jam! ahahhaaa! salsa & hip hop hurhurhur...
went to haunt my fave spot after that with edmund. piangs that bugger was playing winning 11 next to me while i was trying to understand income tax with all my might! argh!


today's income tax class.. another round of head scratching sighhh. retreated back to my fave haunt to do CAT with yv. then jem n shireen came over after their lesson. i was like "huh uh?!??" to AIS on my left (yvonne) and "yahhh rite" to CAT on my right (jem). haunted that place till closing time was played la.


packed to the max tmr!
830-1145 - CAT
1200-1515 - TWC
1530-1630 - meeting with paolo and wanni
1630-1730 - salsa!
yayyyy first salsa class tmr with joyce, shireen n jem! its gonna be good!
=shackkk=


------ Sunday, September 11, 2005

wanna thank 4 ppl who made me laugh today. trust me, i wasnt in the best of moods today at all.


(in order of when i laughed):


1) LN: for suggesting getting sloshed at wala's to emo.. and then saying that he will treat me drinks after i commented that getting sloshed only sounds good when i'm feeling rich and happy. that's beside the point but it made me smile :)


2)jem: for offering to help me with my part for twc.. aww offering to help me with my work always works.. n this:
jiahui says:
if ever u feel lost n dunoe where to go in sch.... or need kaki to help u kill time
library L4.. i'm parked there now
season parking free somemore
Jem says:
haha..is tht an advertisement?
jiahui says:
yesh tt is an advertisement!
Jem says:
eh i recommended tht place lorrr
dun u usually see me there
haha
jiahui says:
hahaha
eh u know this is the first time im acty laughing out loud today??
Jem says:
hahaa...WELL DONE
and eh im a citizen there lah! ur the PR still lor..
jiahui says:
LOL
ok tts my 2nd time laughing out loud
Jem. says:
GOOD JOB!
that, for some odd reason, made me laugh out loud :)


3) bain: for u my darling, just seeing u, smsing u or talking to u is enough to make me happy. even if it means me walking to bk station in my state of semi-pain to pass u my blazer n my skirt. u are the one who can cheer me up indefinitely! :)


4) edmund:
edmund says:
got me
u won't bring me down
jiahui says:
u be careful lor.. later i dump all my rubbish on u
jiahui says:
make sure u don run away
edmund says:
hahaaa pls loh
if u want to talk depressing stuff
i can make u counsel me loh
i'm gg to write a best selling depression novel and cause the 2nd great depression
hahahhaaa :)


tmr is a new day. i should be smiling. go to sleep for now!
=peaceout=


------

and as she goes, she saw the flickering flame flicker again..
flicker, flicker, flicker..
till maybe, just maybe, there was none left.
is there gonna be a rekindling?
no idea.


sometimes it hurts so much to even think. it drives one to insane distraction.






i have 2 solutions thou..

1) tell urself to stop thinking cos it's probably not what u think it is.


2) tell urself it doesnt concern u.


------

sometimes...... i think that i think alot. to the extent that i think too much? and sometimes it just makes me feel depressed. oh well maybe depressed is too strong a word to use. but the idea is around there la. it's like, i know i shouldn't think so much and thinking so much probably wont get me anywhere and what i think is almost 80% not true anyway but... i just cant help but think. it's like an addiction. i just cant not think about it. so i think about it. and the more i think, the more disturbed unsure i feel. the more unsure i feel, the more i think about it. and the vicious cycle just goes on like that. i just cant not think about it. certain times, i think about one side of it. other times, i think about the other side. the what-ifs. the oh-mys. the can't-bes. the but-then-agains. it's just plain sickening. sometimes things just get so muddled and confusing! gahhhh! puiiiii! i must stop thinking abt all this shite!


u know what? i'm not gonna wait anymore now! not now anyway...
because i'm darn tired!
eyes closing already hahaha! another day then...


P.S. not necessary to read so much into this post. it's about nothing actually. i'm just a cryptic blogger by nature. it's about something real simple, really. to the extent of silly ahahhaaa!
yeah right.


------ Friday, September 09, 2005

i just wanna say....
thanks ray.
thanks.


didnt go for frisbee today cos my left calf was hurting since wed.. but i was feeling quite ok in the late afternoon when yv and i were making our way back from school.. so clever, ingenious me decided to go jogging in the evening. went for a 30min run. and now clever, ingenious me has a pain-in-the-behind left calf again. painful!


i'm so smart, i amaze myself.
like i managed to sign off an email last nite in this manner:
Cheers,
Jiahui
HP: 9XXXXXXX
MSN: 9XXXXXXX


ok now join me in saying: WELL DONE!
=peaceout=


------ Thursday, September 08, 2005

感情泛滥, part 2


sometimes i feel like, how doubtful? small tiny little things can spur me on and rekindle a faint belief but at the same time, small tiny little things can douse that flickering flame and leave me feeling somewhat down again. 感情泛滥 indeed.


my mind was just wandering and i began thinking of 3 things i hope to gain back like, soon:
1) my used-to-have independence, all physical, emotional and psychological
2) my used-to-have firm self belief
3) my used-to-have optimism about most things
i miss 1 and 2 alot. i dunoe how and why i lost them.


i was talking to G on my way home on the bus today. it's like, i want to get some stuff out but at the same time, i dont really other people to know. so i did what i am so excellent in: masking. i said them in a very casual tone. casual bordering on joking. and though she probably doesnt know it, i felt that wee bit better. thanks G.


one bright spark thou:
"eh jiahui, i have a bad news and a good news for u. which one do u want to hear first?"
"uhm.. bad news."
"u are on the waiting list."
"oh i know that already. what's the good news?"
"they have let u in with us!"
assuming no (what would amount to a highly cruel) practical prank pulled, i have one response to this: YAY


=system shutting down=


------ Wednesday, September 07, 2005

all i can say is....
i hope for all those to be true too. but sometimes what may seem so obvious to u, u and u.... might not (seem to) be obvious to us at all. what i need is a sign. something, anything.
but then again..... i'm so blind and dense i think i'll probably not catch it. or maybe, i'll even begin to doubt it. wonder of wonders.
ok, so ends today's lesson on gan3 qing2 fan4 lan4.
=offtosleep=


------ Monday, September 05, 2005

sneak attack

last nite when i was attempting to do my CAT assignment, edmund initiated a mass chat with ray, anna and me (mr tan ln was missing as usual hah). i think they were talking about meeting for dinner. but because i was TRYING to do my CAT assgn, i didn't really check in on what they were talking about and neither did i reply except for the inital 'hello'. and then guess what? they started gossiping about me la! ohman. and as usual, ray managed to say something that amazes me again. conclusion: ray (a) observes a lot, (b) has a good imagination and (c) is very free.
first it was the comment that someone's name kept popping up in my entries (WHO?? he still don wanna tell me) and last nite, an observation he made.
ohwell i think sneak attack might be the wrong word, considering they were gossiping abt me in front of me!


went for the CEO talk by dr finian tan, chairman of the vickers financial group just now (yesyes i went in the end) and ohmy, he is... handsome! haha! not cute, not hunky, not hot but plain handsome! haha! youjin told me when he gave a talk in rj when he was still in rj, someone actually asked him if he was married during the open floor session! coolness huh!


and i managed to solve the robot question for my CAT assignment! glad that i solved it myself but can slap myself for not spotting the pattern earlier......


okays dinner's beckoning! i'm absolutely starving!


------ Sunday, September 04, 2005

saw this in a blog i came across last night.. it's just a short exerpt from an extremely long post and thou it's not particularly well written, it felt so raw. if u cant see the text, do this: right click, go to encoding and select unicode (UTF-8).


超人。
真的有超人吗？
我的超人会出现吗？
如果有，他现在在做什么？
他也在想我吗？


。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。


哭。每天都在哭。
尤其是自己一个人的时候。
在车里。在办公室里。在冲凉房里。
觉得自己可怜。觉得莫名其妙。
哭了真的会好过一点吗？
那就一次哭个够吧？
不要骗自己。
哭了还是苦。


不明白为什么我无法出人头地。
不明白为什么海要这样对我。
不明白为什么全世界不知道我的美。


superhero.
is there really a superhero?
do i have a superhero of my own too?
if i do, what is he doing now?
is he thinking of me too?


cry. i cry everyday.
especially when i am alone.
in the car. in my office. in the bathroom.
feel sorry for myself. feels odd.
will i really feel better after i cry?
then should i just have a good cry?
stop lying to myself.
it's still painful after i've cried.


don't understand why i can't stand out.
don't understand why he treats me this way.
don't understand why the world doesn't see my beauty.



it's just raw emotions flowing out from her entry, and that's what makes it well writeen to me.


i'm sure everyone can relate to it at some point in time. i know i do.


------

hmmmm jeremy soh commented that there's nothing much to blog about these days.. haha i agree!
anyways. went for the smu freshmen bash on friday.. the pageant thingy was pretty average i guess. it was way too packed in chinablack and the queue never seems to end. it was actually hot and stuffy in there. hung around with joyce, nabs, sueann, miranda, josh and jem, amongst others. the music was okayyy la. typical chinablack i suppose?
oh bain n shalynn were there with their pri sch frens too! it's so good to see both of them.. and i ran into shihui, yirong, weizhi and alexis also!
left at abt 2am n got a lift from jem.. saviour again......


sat's income tax class is another taxing 3hrs plus. ohman kill me. income tax is so confusing! went for lunch with some peeps and then went to meet weiliang, chenghui n dionne.. went to sing at kbox. was so tired i fell asleep for a while inside la! but it was nice meeting them again. talked abt some school stuff (we r from the 4 different unis!) and basically cracked stupid jokes hahaha....


damn shack when i got home last nite. and then nicholas msged me to tell me that wein is hospitalised for dengue! goodness! to think i saw him in chinablack and next thing i knew, he's in the hospital for dengue! take care man, wein!



and i had a super weird dream last night. i was in an unfamiliar place, surrounded with unfamiliar people, except for W. i was pretty displeased with something, pissed off that the people around me are not doing their part. W then came and tried to calm me down and put things right. W in the dream looked so much like the W i know in real life. in short, what "happened" between W and me in the dream left me feeling unsettled. and it felt so, so real.


------ Thursday, September 01, 2005

things have happened, things have passed and i'm too lazy to blog about them.. i am feeling rather blah now.


just now when i was first told about it, i thought i felt pretty moodless. like, no feelings and just "ok lor".. but after a short pause, a realisation hit me. i wasn't feeling moodless.. it was in fact an avalanche of feelings mixed together, under the guise that it was nothing. and it's over nothing big really, that's the funny thing. that is, nothing big if i consider prior circumstances.


argh. this is dumb. maybe i should do something about it to stop me from kicking myself over it later. kind of like an "at least i tried"?


------