Wednesday, June 20, 2007

"I only speculate over this now because in the light of subsequent events, it could well be argued that in making my decision to end those evening meetings once and for all, I was perhaps not entirely aware of the full implications of what I was doing. Indeed, it might even be said that this small decision of mine constituted something of a key turning point; that the decision set things on an inevitable course towards what eventually happened.

But then, I suppose, when with the benefit of hindsight one begins to search one's past for such 'turning points', one is apt to start seeing them everywhere."

well said indeed. i'm about 4/5ths thru the book, and i must say, it's well written. i'm completely brought into the life of the main character. no wonder it won the booker prize.


------ Monday, June 11, 2007

questions to ponder:
- what if a heart is indifferent to loneliness?
- what if one ceases to distinguish between happiness and sadness?
- what if i could re-live some years?
- what if someone becomes so numb to something?
- what happens when one is lost?
- what happens when you stop believing in things u used to believe in?

it's like.. you know how much u've changed, but u have no idea how it happened, or how u allowed things to be like this.

it's not a very nice feeling.


------ Sunday, June 10, 2007

酒，好喝就因为它难喝

i remember first hearing that line on 伤城, the movie starring takeshi kaneshiro and tony leung. at first i dismissed it as trying to sound cheem. but actually, there is some truth to it. it does taste bad actually. bitter, dry, whatever. not exactly the nicest taste. but precisely it has that taste, it somehow makes us want to drink it more. works for me at least.

we drink, if only to get intoxicated. for people (like me) whose first instinct is always to run away than to face something, we drink to get intoxicated, and we get intoxicated to get honest with ourselves, and we get honest with ourselves in order to face ourselves. works for me at least. and it doesn't hurt that i've noticed that small amounts of alcohol helps me sleep better lol.

and in all honesty (since there's jack daniels and coke lying around at home), last night i suddenly had a realisation. and if it's really true, then i'm in trouble. and the thing is, i really dunoe if it's the kind of trouble i wouldn't mind having. after all, it's been a long time u know? it's not like i haven't felt it before but seriously, look at where it's gotten me.... yeps, precisely nowhere.

so lim jiahui, snap out of it already.

meanwhile, more jd really looks kinda good.


------ Thursday, June 07, 2007

we finally booked our flight.
14 Aug departing for London Heathrow Airport at 8.40pm.
we are flying thai airways (cheapest i can find) on q class (open jaw return ticket with 6 months validity) for $1610.
the acceptance letter from rouen has also come in, so now what's left is:
1) housing confirmation
2) visa application
3) course selection
4) buy insurance
5) travel to and accomodation in edinburgh, dublin and london before school starts
6) arrange to meet helene in paris/rouen
7) arrange to meet charles!

europe here we come (soon)!


alrights off for today, gonna start on a new book tonight: Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro.
believe it or not, my first Ishiguro book. i have never read Never Let Me Go. Hopefully can get my hands on that book soon.
and should i indulge myself and go to borders to reserve Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows? HMMMM decisions decisions lol.


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finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho last night, and i really enjoyed reading the book. it talks about wisdom and faith and fulfilling your dreams in a fiction format. nice read.

can't help but compare it to Tuesdays with Morrie with Mitch Albom, and i think i enjoy the alchemist better. though it's fiction, the message behind it is real. though some of the things said in the story may sound too ideal initially, i find that it can actually apply in reality. u just have to put it into perspective.

(just in case u are unsure what alchemy is: some rough idea here

and my favourite part of the book:

(background: the alchemist was leading the boy through the desert towards his treasure (aka his goal/dream). the boy is weary and scared of the forces of nature. the alchemist then told him to listen to his heart.)

That night, the boy slept deeply and when he awoke, his heart began to tell him things. It said that all people who are happy have God within them. And that happiness could be found in a grain of sand from the desert. Because a grain of sand is a moment of creation, and the universe has taken millions of years to create it.

"Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him,", his heart said. "we, people's hearts, seldom say much about those treasures, because people no longer want to go in search of them. We speak of them only to children. Later, we simply let life proceed, in its own direction, towards its own fate. But unfortunately, very few follow the path laid out for them-the path to their Personal Legends, and to happiness. Most people see the world as a threatening place, and because they do, the world turns out indeed to be a threatening place.

"So we, their hearts, speak more and more softly. We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won't be heard: we don't want people to suffer because they don't follow their hearts."

"Why don't people's hearts tell them to continue to follow their dreams?" the boy asked the alchemist.

"Because that's what makes a heart suffer most, and hearts don't like to suffer."


"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realised, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realising our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm tress have appeared on the horizon'.

"Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor bring severely tested."

The boy remembered an old proverb from his country. It said that the darkest hour of the night came just before the dawn.

"When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it," the old king had said.


------ Monday, June 04, 2007

actually over the past week, i have quite some thoughts on my mind that i told myself i'd write down when i get home. but everytime when i get back, i feel exhausted and i tell myself, another day. on hindsight, that's pretty much what i do abt gymming too (and once again, hindsight is always 20/20). and on that note, why is hindsight 20/20? why the number 20? i tot perfect eyesight is 6/6? but that's not the point of my post lol.

i finally got down to packing my room last afternoon when i really can't stand the dust and mess anymore. i was gripped with paranoia that a cockroach will fly out thru all the junk and attack me. a whole day of cleaning later, my nose got so affected by the dust, i'm having a runny nose now. how wonderful.


anyway.
i'd probably mentioned this before, but it just struck me yet again - by how much i'd mellowed over the years. nowadays, i seldom speak my mind. in fact sometimes, i feel like i don even dare to object to or give my opinion to something. maybe it's more pertinent when i'm with some people, less when i'm with others. and surprisingly, it's people with more fragile characters. maybe fragile is a wrong word... volatile? sounds wrong too. argh whatever. something like that. i'd try to get my point across but it either feels like:
a) the person is not really interested in my point,
b) the person feels like i'm imposing my opinion on him, or
c) the person thinks i'm an insufferable know-it-all.
and so i'd stop. and it's not all in my mind. sometimes the vibes are strong. sometimes.

although i don't believe in daily/weekly/yearly horoscopes (like eg, pluto is in your 7th house today, and uranus is aligned with jupiter's moon. be careful, u're gonna step on dog shit today), i can't help but believe in how astrology helps explains some aspects of characters and personality. i remember reading somewhere that scorpios can be very poor verbal communicators (i agree). as a result, to them, misunderstanding that arises out of silence is better than misunderstanding that arises out of miscommunication. i realise for me at least, it's true. which is why when i sense that when there is potential for something unpleasant (which is unnecessary and can be avoided) to happen, i'd rather retreat and shut up.

dunoe if anyone actually understands what i'm really trying to express. i'm a poor communicator after all. i can listen very well, i just can't speak very well. and to think i like languages and harbour hopes of learning french and spanish well. what a joke, on hindsight.


i used to be able to voice my thoughts and i wasn't really afraid of letting ppl know what i think of them or things. think my sec sch mates and maybe some of my jc mates can testify to that. i can't anymore. initially, i felt terrible cos all of a sudden, it felt like i have so many things bottled up and i can't really say it out. now, i think i'm just numb to a large extent. initially, it felt like i can't seem to trust anyone enough to let them know how i feel. now, i realised and i know that it's not that i don't trust anyone enough - i don't trust myself enough. and that's the real obstacle. not trusting myself enough. it's difficult to explain.

over time, i have developed the ability to look at whatever troubles i am facing with a certain detachment. actually, my own sense of detachment scares me a lot. at my worst, i feel void; like i'm looking at myself from outside of me. it's not a nice feeling, and i don't know how to cope sometimes. probably the only good thing that this has made me see things much clearer and in perspective.

perspective does not come cheap. that's my conclusion.


sometimes, i wonder if some people are still reading my entries now. my ex-twin-who-denied-my-existence-and-whom-i-eventually-disowned, darren, gb, joyce, lilian, jz, celia, vanessa etc. basically my closer jc and sec sch mates. my ex-twin-who-denied-my-existence-and-whom-i-eventually-disowned, i miss talking to you. sometimes. lol.


and in case u're wondering, no i did not drink tonite. i reckon it's the flu.


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