Friday, June 30, 2006

-release comes in the most unexpected form-

indeed it does. for a long time, i wanted to let someone/anyone about it; to articulate how i really feel, if only to finally get it out of my system. i did think about telling it to E, and i very nearly did, but i did not. still i kept it in my heart. yes i know i have trust issues, thanks for reminding me yet again.

today, i finally said it out loud. to a rather unexpected ear. i never did expect i would tell her but i'm glad i did. immediately after saying it, i felt that much better. it's like sth that has been bottled up in me n being consciously chucked into one desolate little corner of my mind is being purged out finally. she was nice, and the amazing thing was that the advice she gave me was the exact same thing i've been telling myself to do. only thing is when she said it out loud, she gave substance to form and for the first time, i felt like i am ready and able to do the very thing i've been telling myself to do since the beginning.

though in the end i did not really do what i wanted/hoped to do, i am happy enough. thanks esther, release never felt better.


=10 days=


------ Wednesday, June 28, 2006

-can u put a price on patience-

had a no-comments arts fest meeting which self explanatorily (if there's such a word), i have no comments and shall not comment about.

went to watch brazil vs ghana at liang court macs with hui ying and jem after meeting. it was totally unplanned but i really enjoyed myself. as in, not the 'wow so fun' kind of enjoy, more of a 'i really enjoyed the company' kind. thanks u 2, for making good an otherwise tiring nite.

and as we were talking, we came to the topic about having patience in a relationship (and i don mean only romantic relationships). patience - something i had a long time ago but which i lost a long time after that long time ago (but it's still quite some time ago haha). does patience really make a relationship worthwhile, worth holding on to? i guess it does but perhaps it differs from relationship to relationship. in some, patience does wins u the ending u want. but yet patience has made me a weary person; one that has stopped waiting and one that finds it hard to believe anymore.

maybe it's me who's condemning myself, me who's pushing myself into weariness (and wariness). perhaps i should change my mindset, take a deep breath and throw away everything to start again. perhaps it's time i surrender and give in to whatever that wants me to give in.


原本以为不再等待，就能向前看
但是还是发现，等待下去还是等待
就只等待 不必等待的那一天

but that's another story for another day at another place.
(another place is feeling neglected)


countdown to twisted logic: 12 days!!!


------ Sunday, June 25, 2006

pet peeves


my current top pet peeve is people who get on the train, upon finding that there are no more seats left, make a beeline for the poles and lean their whole body against it, totally ignoring others who are holding on to the poles for suppport. worse are the ones who'll give u a look that says "why are u holding on to the pole when i am leaning against it?" basket.


that aside, i went gymming with huiying on wed. shiok man.

met u[ with bain, kel and hongyi on friday at serangoon gardens. had dinner at chomp chomp (stingray slurp) then went to cafe cartel to watch soccer and for our dose of updates and jokes, serious stuffs, and everything else in between. i miss miss miss them. we are so going on a grad trip together when we grad from our 4 different places!

sweden just lost tamely to the germans. if not for swedish keeper issakson, it would have been a thrashing. im kinda happy england didnt have to play germany. but then again, their side of the draw is damn tough. if england beats ecuador and netherlands beat portugal, then they will play each other in the quarter-finals and i will be torn. i will be happy no matter who wins but not happy no matter who loses. and the winner will most likely play either brazil or spain in the semis. oh man.


sth random: if i am to have 1 wish now, i will take the unrealisable escape, thanks.



countdown to coldplay's concert: 15 days!!


------ Wednesday, June 21, 2006

the unrealisable escape

i am feeling rather unproductive and anti-social *growls.

i am tired.

i am hopelessly hopeless.

i am stubbornly quiet and quietly stubborn.

i am not being totally honest with myself.

i am emotionally weak and drained.

i am sure about 1 thing thou:-
i am looking forward to friday with my babes.

i am counting down to coldplay's concert: 19 days

i am indifferent.

i am happy with the way things are; yet

i am longing for the unrealisable escape.

i am talking in cryptic again and i am inadequate; that's what i am.


------ Sunday, June 18, 2006

-fierce independence-

week in recap:
mon- home
tues- t&d meeting
wed- home
thurs- arts fest meeting, x men 3
fri- dinner with family
sat- relaunch meeting, soccer with melwyn, ln, shane, jem, hailong, adriana
sun- father's day

hahaa a very very normal life huh. but add that to the late nights due to world cup, and i'm a tired tired girl.
t&d meeting was a pretty productive meeting; relaunch meeting was alrite and arts fest meeting is as murky as ever. sigh.
xmen3 was a gd show to me, cos i do not read the comics. so i thought it was a pretty good show. i was oohing and aahing at everything. next movie on the list - the lake house, starring keanu reeves and sandra bullock. anyone??


i wanna shout out to some people; first of all being...
bain: i love u darling, and i miss u TONS. tons tons tons.

kel: i miss u babe. meet us next fri?

edwin: 22 days, 22 days baby!!

jem: i know u know your way here and i hope u read this also.. eh hang on ok. i'm always sure u were chosen to take over for a very good reason; cos u are capable and u are very good-tempered. and one thing abt a ride - u never quite realise what a ride it is until u come to the end of it!


the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
another thing u don't quite realise until u've lived through it and bothered to think back about it. hate is an emotion u expand on the person. when u hate someone, u spend time and energy thinking about how much u hate the perosn. that is not the opposite of love.
love truly ceases when u feel indifference. indifference about what the other person is thinking, how he is feeling and what he is doing now. in other words, u simply stop spending any more time and energy on him. that is the opposite of love.
just a random musing.



now reading: 'set this house in order' by matt ruff
this book is about 2 people with multiple personality disorder (MPD); andrew is the one who has managed to impose order on his daily life while penny lives in chaos, constantly blacking out as various personalities struggle for control of her body.
i like the way matt ruff describes how andy lives and how order is imposed on his multiple personalities.

andy's personalities include (all living in his mind): jake a mature but mischevious 5 year-old, Aunt Sam who can speak french, Adam who reads Playboy but is uncannily good at spotting lies, Seferis who is physically very strong and powerful and a father, who imposes order on all the personalities living in his head.

We rented part of the first floor. The space was large but cluttered, clutter being an inevitable side effect of multiplicity, even if you make an effort to keep real-world possessiongs to a minimum. Just lying there in bed, and without even turning my head, I could see: Aunt Sam's easel, brushes and paints, and two blank canvases; Adam's skateboard; Jake's stuffed panda; Seferis's kendo sword; my books; my father's books; Jake's little shelf of books; Adam's Playboy collection; Aunt Sam's stack of art prints; a color television with a remote that used to be my father's but now belonged to me; a VCR that was three-fifths mine, three-tenths Adam's, and one-tenth Jake's (long story);a CD player that was one-half mine, one-quarter my father's, one-eighth Aunt Sam's, and one-sixteenth apiece Adam's and Jake's (longer story); a rack of CDs and videotapes of various ownerships; and a wheeled hamper of dirty clothes that no one wanted to lay claim to, but was mostly mine.

I passed through the sitting room and went down the side hallway to the kitchen, where Mrs Winslow (the landlady, who is a real character in the book) had breakfast waiting.

"Good morning, Andrew," Mrs Winslow said, before I'd spoken a word. She always knew. Most mornings it was me at first, but even if I'd given the body to someone else, Mrs Winslow would have known, without being told. She was like Adam in that sense, an almost magical reader of persons. "Did you sleep well?"

"I did, thank you." Ordinarily, it's polite to repeat the question back, but Mrs Winslow was a chronic insomniac. She slept less well than anyone I knew, except for Seferis, who doesn't sleep at all.

She'd been up since five at least, and had started cooking when she'd heard the shower. It was a measure of both her kindness and her affection for us that she was willing to do this; like everything else in the morning, breakfast is a shared activity; and no small effort to prepare. I sat down not to one meal but to a hybrid of several, each serving carefully proportioned, starting with half a plate of scrambled eggs and a mug of coffee for me. I ate my fill, then let the others take the body, each soul greeting Mrs Winslow in turn.

"Good morning, my dear," Aunt Sam said grandly. Aunt Sam's breakfast portion consisted of a cup of herbal tea and a slice of wheat toast with mint jelly; she used to smoke half a cigarette, too, but my father made her give it up in exchange for a little extra time outside. She sipped at the tea and nibbled daintily at her toast until Adam got impatient and started clearing his throat from the pulpit.

"Good morning, gorgeous," Adam said with mock flirtatiousness. Adam likes to pretend he is a great ladies' man. In reality, women between the ages of twelve and sixty make him nervous, and if Mrs Winslow's hair hadn't been gray, I doube he'd have had the courage to be so fresh with her. As he devoured his breakfast- half an English muffin and a bacon strip- he gave her his idea of a seductive wink; but when Mrs Winslow winked back, Adam startled, sucked bacon down the wrong pipe, and ended in a fit of coughing.

"Good mornining, Mrs Winslow," Jake said, his high voice raspy from Adam's choking fit. He dug awkwardly into the little bowl of Cheerios she set out for him. She poured him a tiny glass of orange juice, too, and he reached too quickly for it. The glass (which was really made of plastic; this had happened before) went flying.

Jake froze. If he'd been with anyone but Mrs Winslow, he would have fled the body altogether. As it was, he hunched up, fists clenched and muscles tense, bracing for a asmash across the knuckles or a punch in the face. Mrs Winslow was careful not to react too suddenly; she pretended not to even notice at first, then said, very casually: "Oh dear, I must have put that too close to the edge of the table." She got up slowly, crossed to the sink, and wet a rag to mop up the spill.

"I'm sorry, Mrs Winslow!" Jake blurted. "I--"
"Jake dear," Mrs Winslow said, wiping the tabletop, you do know that Florida is a huge state, don't you? They have lots of orange juice there; plenty more where this came from." She refilled his glass, handling it directly to him this time; he took it gingerly in both hands. "There," Mrs Winslow said. "No harm done. It only looks like gold." Jake giggled, but he didn't really relax until he was back inside the house.

Seferis only nodded good morning. His breakfast was the simplest of all: a small plate of salted radishes, which he popped into his mouth one at a time and crunched like candy. Mrs Winslow had started in on her own breakfast by then, warmed-over biscuits with marmalade. When the lid stuck on the marmalade jar, she offered it to Seferis.

Seferis's size ratio to the body is the inverse of Jake's: his soul is nine feet tall, and crammed into Andy Gage's modest frame he radiates energy and strength. He got the jar lid off with a simple twist of thumb and forefinger, a trick I couldn't have managed even using the same muscles.


and the story goes on, until andy meets penny, another person with MPD. this is where i've read up till, and i can't wait to continue reading it again. till the next time.


------ Monday, June 12, 2006

random musings:

1) today was the finale for 'so you think you can dance' and i tell u, it's a Fantastic show with a capital F. the talents, the passion, the technique... woooot! makes me wonder how come i never took up dancing while i was younger. i love love dancing when i actually am dancing... kel let's do hiphop haha!
anws.. i am very happy that nick won.. he's really a superb dancer!


2) i remember reading from a website that scorpions tend to lose patience easily with people whom they think are "beneath" them, that scorpions do not hold them in as equal a regard as they deserve. something like that la. i used to think that it's not true, but thinking back, i think there is indeed some truth to that. PATIENCE, jiahui, patience.


3) world cup is here! so far the teams i like have all won, except for japan who just lost 1-3 to australia. darn! england played out the most tactically drab 1-0 world cup win ever. but nonetheless, 3 points scraped are 3 points earned after all. and netherlands won 1-0 against serbia and montenegro. go netherlands!!

to clarify: i am a england fan because of the epl, and because at 1 point in time, man utd had a lot of players in the english team and me being a huge united fan, naturally progressed on to supporting england.

i am a holland fan because of i love the concept of total football and the dutch names like clarence seedorf, edgar davids, edwin van der saar and someone called johan cryuff used to make me think of indestructible footballing gods. then came talented players like dennis bergkamp, marc overmars, philip cocu, jaap stam, arjen robben, ruud van nistelrooy, rafael van der vaart.... the dutch team seems whole, complete and total. but for some unfathomable reason, internal strife is the bane of the highly talented dutch team. somehow, the players cant get along with each other. but this world cup promises to be different. there hasnt been word of internal strife so far. and if they can operate as one cohesive unit, i don't see why the dutch team cannot win the world cup, or at least give brazil a good fight.


4) counting down to coldplay's twisted logic concert: 28 days
i. can't. wait!!!


------ Friday, June 09, 2006

last nite, i was talking to alex and quite some amusing stuffs happened. i told him i need an emcee to skip work. HAHAHA. occupational hazzard!

today at work was super dreary in the afternoon after lunch. lunch was pretty good though. we had lunch with the group A people, as well as some of the AHs. we ordered in pizza and kfc and even booked a meeting room to eat it. yums!

ok nothing much, really, just that....


the World Cup is here!!!!


yeeeeeeaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!


------ Tuesday, June 06, 2006

i am a lot of things but these are some things i am not:
1) i am not a good expressor of feelings.
2) i am not one to impose my presence unto others.
3) i am not a good conversationalist nor am i too ept at offering good advice.


if i could change 3 things to my body, these would be it:
1) stronger knees like i had before
2) nicer skin
3) longer body in general


i am not a lot of things but these are some things i am:
1) i am a good sensor of feelings - my 6th sense is terrific.
2) i am a good listener, though i am not too ept at offering advice.
3) i am so many things you never thought i am; and i am not going to reveal them.



Jason Mraz - Sleeping to dream

I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you
I'm feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes
Is another dream to ashes and they all fall down
As I lay me down tonight
I close my eyes and what a beautiful sight

Sleeping to dream about you
I'm so damn tired of having to live without you
But I, I don't mind
I'm sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired
Oh, yes I am

I found myself in the riches your eyes, your lips, your hair
Well, you were everywhere, out there
But I woke up in the ditches
I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere
Oh love, you were nowhere at home
As I lay me back to sleep
This love I pray that I can keep

Sleeping to dream about you
I'm so damn tired of having to live without you
But I, I don't mind
I'm sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired
I'm so tired

Well, it's just a little a lullaby to keep myself
From crying myself, a little a lullaby to keep
Just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself
A little a lullaby to keep myself
My eyes are always cryin', I said, just a little lullaby
Once I dry my eyes, I'll come on, now

Sleeping to dream about you
I'm so damn tired of having to live without you
But I, I don't mind
I'm Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired
I'm so tired


------ Sunday, June 04, 2006

i've got the nicest twin, ever (even if he always claims he were never acknowleged it). once upon a time ago, edwin went to japan while i was left mugging company law in the dratted place known as the library. however, he got me some japanese-produced white choc biscuits from his japan trip. but for by sheer unfortunate circumstances, i didnt get to get the biscuits from him. and today, he drove all the way down at 10pm to pass me the biscuits, as well as season 1 of grey's anatomy and 24. how nice!



the nice wrapping


the nice box


the nice interior


the nice wrapper

thanks mr edwin poh!! =p



and since i'm in the mood for photos, here are some random photos from some random days of my random life:


my locker at its fullest


wanida's nice cap at BE april/may day



stupid poses as usual


alex got saboed to be the donkey pig


some cute guy i spotted outside zara when taking a break from shopping with kel. pity cannot see clearer haha!


and i ran into kel at timbre flea market


tmr's start of another week. gymming anyone?


------ Saturday, June 03, 2006

and we'll all float on ok

sometimes, it's just like this - no matter how things twist and turn, no matter what you think about what is or is not going on, no matter how much u wish for something to happen or not, life just seems to go on and we will all just go along with the flow of things.

sometimes, it's best to just not think about alot of things cos somehow in the end, it doesnt really matter. like, u can go on and think about some people or some things and u think, god i really dont know what they are getting at. but who cares about what u do or do not know. what u think is good or nice may not appeal to others. one man's poison is another man's wine after all. when it all comes to the bottomline, the life someone has is way better than yours in so many ways. it's not bad at all.


but life just has its knack of going on - u can choose to beat it or be ravaged by it. time can be the cure and can heal everything; but time can also be ruthlessly cruel at the same time. it can just pass u by. but yes, everything just goes on as usual, and who or what are we to linger?




modest mouse - float on

I backed my car into a cop car the other day
Well he just drove off, sometimes life's OK
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say?
Well you just laughed it off, it was all OK

And we'll all float on OK
And we'll all float on OK
And we'll all float on OK
And we'll all float on anyway, well

A fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam
It was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand
Bad news comes-don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans
We both got fired on exactly the same day,
Well, we'll float on, good news is on the way

And we'll all float on OK
And we'll all float on OK
And we'll all float on OK
And we'll all float on


------ Thursday, June 01, 2006

today, icy wore a purple tie which contrasted nicely with his white-based shirt. but i prefer it when icy wears a blue tie, it brings out the blueness in his eyes. yes icy has blue eyes.

today, esther and i were trying to guess icy's name from the list of staff that we had. we gave up after 3 mins. then we tried to guess where icy is from. we were guessing he might be german but no prizes, our first guess was... u guessed it, iceland. i still think he's from some scandinavian country.
icy by name, icy by nature. the only time i saw icy smile was when he was talking to addy and they were commenting on some stuff i don't understand. addy is a pretty detached guy too.

enough abt icy and addy.



today we tried to understand log-off's viewpoint and we found a new target to bitch about. her codename is fifi. no offence to firdaus, but fifi is a reference to 500, which is something related to the person we are talking about.

whee tmr's friday! weekend beckoning again! time flies!



Kings of Convenience - Homesick

I loose some sales and my boss won't be happy
But I can't stop listening to the sound
Of two soft voices mended in perfection
From the reels of this record that I found
Everyday there's a boy in the mirror
Asking me what are you doing here
Finding all my previous motives
Growing increasingly unclear

I've travelled far and I've burned all the bridges
I believed as soon as I hit land
All the other options held before me
Will wither in the light of my plan
So I loose some sales and my boss won't be happy
But there's only one thing on my mind
Searching boxes underneath the counter
On a chance that on a tape I'd find
A song for
Someone who needs somewhere
To long for

Homesick
Cause I no longer know
What home is


one of the comments:
"Makes me think about heaven - or at least, a home that has no address, where God lives. Listened to this a lot last term - my first term at uni - to remind myself that I don't belong in a place, only in friendships and relationships and in church. Plus the Kings don't seem to care about jobs! Only music. And that's how I feel now. :) "

songmeanings.net rocks.


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