Friday, December 30, 2005

come on...


stupid girl.. why think like this? why allow yourself to fall like this? why lose confidence in them when those stuff happen? why condemn them? why condemn urself? what a stupid thought, to even think of the possibility of allowing yourself to fall into something as senseless as that. what's so good about it?


don't. fall. don't. fall. don't fall. DON'T. FALL.


come on...


------ Wednesday, December 28, 2005

i'm officially sick of singing ktv. 3 times in a week urghhhh. not as though i'm a big fan of singing ktv in the first place. in the words of someone from Section 1 (can't really remember who), it's the 'togertherness' of doing a common thing, meeting up etc that brought me to sing 3 times in a week. first with weiliang, chenghui n dionne at kbox marina sq, then mel, gayle, huiying n huixin at party world orchard and finally, today with kelvina, bain and hongyi at this ktv club at chinatown. today's one is real cheap! $10 for 5 hours with free flow drinks and get this, a bowl of shark's fin soup each! haha!


i've been seeing luxurious cars recently! i saw 2 lamborghinis in town on monday, 1 black and 1 yellow. i saw a yellow ferrari parked at marina mandarin some time back. and as i was travelling home from school yday, i saw a silver SLK! wooooot! i waaaannnttttttt! an audi TT or an aston martin not too much to ask for ritesssss?


and lately, i'm really into those clothes that are really impractical to wear in singapore. like corduroy jackets with fur collar, thick air jackets and ohmy, trenchcoats! the whole trenchcoats thing.. i love the european feel to it; wearing it and feeling sophisticated and heh, higher-than-thou-yeah-what-are-u-staring-at?!



grey corduroy trenchcoat from MNG, price forgotten!



white trenchcoat, again from MNG, S$139


i wanna buy one before (and if) i leave for my exchangeeeeee!


------

thanks, anna!


------ Sunday, December 25, 2005

merry christmas, everyone!


what a christmas it is this year. wont forget it in a hurry.


just spent the whole day sleeping everything away. in a way, it's so wrong. but we all do stupid n wrong things sometimes, rite? haha no point trying to justify anything either. just get on with it bah..


i was watching the princess diaries just now and i heard this line..
"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all."


so why fear? have no fear, my dear gal, though it's easier said than done.


to my dearest frens - youyi, ray and ln.. thank you!


------ Thursday, December 22, 2005

some pictures from sentosa outing..



the guys - chris, jeremy, daryl, bertrand, ln and jason



the gals - alvina, ewan, weiling, me, jasmine, xiaoping, wanida, gayle and adriana



all of us



me with jasmine the sweetie.. yes she is chio and yes she is single ;)


------ Wednesday, December 21, 2005

met up with dionne, chenghui n weiliang yday at marina square for some kbox action.. we were really belting out all the super duper old school songs. very entertaining.. then we went to this place called 店小二 for dinner.. it has a very interesting menu and it always has this very long queue so naturally, we wanted to find out what is so nice abt it. their ten herbs roasted duck is seriously very very nice! and we had this soup called 长生不老汤 - literally translated as longetivity soup!



yeah alot of stuff in it but the taste didnt sit well with me so wl finished it for me..


n he said it's quite nice!
oh well i have no intentions to live forever anyway..



then we went to watch 'the promise'.. the film by chan kai ge, starring zhang bo zhi, zhang dong jian and nic tse. ohman that show... let's just say maybe it's too artistic for us.. we ended up laughing.. seriously the plot is full of loopholes (maybe it's intended eh) and nic tse's character is rahter gay. hahaa. maybe i just don understand chen kai ge's works..


but all in all, an interesting day. shucks i have procrastinated some stuff for so long that i think now i'm running out of time to do it!


=out=


------ Monday, December 19, 2005

i told myself i will do this once the term is over but as usual, i have been the queen of procrastination and so i am doing this only now.


well, those who know me well enough will know i'm not the happiest of person this term. things were.... tumultuous. full of downs and in the end, a lot of ups too. i've tried my hand at some new stuff too - quite a number of firsts:

1) first angmoh pal - charles!
2) first time out on a keelboat sailing to nowhere!
3) first salsa class!


but throughout this term, i am eternally grateful for the support of some friends, without whom i think i'd have gone mad by now so here's a tribute to them: -


bainie darlinggg for all her electronic hugs and kisses when the physical hugs weren't possible. the one who will always tell me things are gonna be fine, the one who will listen patiently while i rattle restlessly on at the most unexpected times and the one i always turn to come rain or shine.
yvonne for her constant presence this term. as we said, we were each other's "only friend" during the term. HAHA. thanks dearie, for ur marvellous companionship and yeah, coming up with ur nonsense to match mine!
shireen for being so encouraging everytime, allowing me to breakdown and stand up again, with her uplifting stories and her ability to let me believe that i am capable of so much more.
jeremy seah for basically being there all this times. shucks i realised this guy bore the most of my shit this term. but still he's there to listen to my complaints his trademark remark of telling me not to give up. i bet he must be sian of telling me that already haha! but i'm really thankful i had him and shireen in my twc project.. the 2 bright sparks in the dreary module!


and of cos there are many others who have offered words of encouragement at one point or another but those 4 really kept me going this term. i'm so thankful to have them.


and so the term ends with me extremely surprised at all of my grades. esp ais and twc. great. so yeps, another term that had me emerging whole and unscathed but alot more tougher and stronger. in the words of the wise person who said it before, what doesn't kill u will make u stronger. when push comes to shove, the resilient will prevail. if i have to state the greatest lesson i've learnt from this term, it has got to be resilience.


i thank u from the bottom of my heart, dear pals.


------

went to sentosa on saturday with the BE peeps... great fun! played everything from captain's ball, vball and frisbee. man the cap's ball felt like WWE wrestling more like it. haha. got sth that resembles a tan now.. finally! pictures when i get them from gayle.
and thanks jasmine dearie for saturday! *hugs


tmr meeting my ex-colleagues from the world book fair for some ktv, then wed with kel n bain for timbre, thurs buffet with pearlyn and charles and sending charles off at nite and that's it.. i haven't planned anything else. in retrospect, i like this feeling of not having to plan too far ahead, unlike during term where i knew weekends ahead are burned. bahhh. life's great!!


------ Friday, December 16, 2005

i was watching madonna's "hung up" mtv in the afternoon. i must admit, the first time i watched that mtv, i was pretty turned off by madonna's uhm, butt cheeks. she's no longer 18 u know. i thought the mtv wasn't well done. but the more i watched it, the more i think it's in fact, not bad. i liked the different shots of different dancers and the whole sequence of the mtv was pretty good (butt cheeks aside). but then again, hmmmm it takes alot of self confidence to make that mtv. i for sure wont dare to expose my butt cheeks when i'm 40. i'm afraid of causing the next epidemic where ppl get scared to death.


after that was shakira's "don't bother". now that's one girl whose musical direction i can't grasp. somehow her voice and her image doesn't go together for me. her sexy c-f-m image and her supposedly "power" vocals. she has a good voice but it's those kind where it sound's like she's got something stuck in her throat.. it's an acquired taste and i think it's fine.. just that her mtvs always has this risque factors that doesn't really go well with such a voice. but yeah, she's real hot thou. i dunoe.. i dont get her musical direction but that's just me haha.


ok last nite i dreamt of jem and a whole bunch of people i dont recognise. another dumb dream of him. we were actually debating whether to take the north-south line or the north-east line in the dream. hilarious.


and jiahui dispenses her lesson #432986.. pls follow through with what you have asked/requested/suggested or wanted to ask/request/suggest. pls dont leave her dangling and guessing. she doesn't like it. it's mind-harrowing (which in her dictionary means irritating).


i just started watching 'house' season 1, staring hugh laurie.. that show is rather brilliant, in that complicated medical cases often come down to a simple solution. dr house is the head of diagnostics and instincts and ability to think unconventionally is quite a sight to watch. best of all, he looks a bit like george clooney in ER! hahaha..


ok that's it.. i'm off for now.


------ Thursday, December 15, 2005

Lifehouse - Blind


I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as you turn around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep
That even you could not bury if you tried


After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it


That I loved you more
Than you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go


I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything
Would be like it was before
But nights like this
It seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor


After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it


That I loved you more
Than you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you..


After all this why
Would you ever want to leave
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it


That I loved you more
Than you will ever know
And part of my died
When I let you go


That I loved you more
Than you will ever know
And part of my died
When I let you go


------

since ray made me a haiku when he was ultra bored last nite, i shall reciprocate with my poor excuse of a simplified haiku.


a first attempt at "haiku"
this thing doesn't rhyme
but i will try to do it


ray messages me for songs
he only does that
and i still always send him



HAHAHA this is hilarious on my part. haiku is weird. well, my first attempt at it (and possibly my last too).


------ Tuesday, December 13, 2005

u know that jiahui is very free when she begins changing the pics on her site and puts in 2 posts a day.. i'm the biggest bummer in the world now!


anyways, this is from the character John Locke in "Lost", season 2 episode 5:
"in order to find something, sometimes you have to stop looking."
ahhh yes i think subconsciously, we all know that but the difficult part is to actually bring yourself to stop looking. that really needs a leap of faith.


faith. what is faith?
faith is not entirely trust.. friend of mine has a rather good representation of what is trust.
faith is not entirely confidence.
faith is not entirely hopes and beliefs.
and faith is not entirely justification.
i think faith is a combination of all 5. faith is the most difficult of all as any one of the above is difficult enough to attain.


to stop looking is so difficult. how many times have we tried so hard to look for something? look for a cause, a means, an ending, a result, a justification? be it an object, a friend or a lover?
on the topic of love, a wise friend once told me, when we stop going out of the way to look for our "perfect love", sometimes love might just find us. being the young, impulsive and naive me then, i rejected that idea. how would things just find you if u do not make an effort to look for it?
then as i grew older, i realised.. something finding us doesn't mean we do not put in an effort. it simply means we put in our share of effort, but having faith that we are in good enough hands (like God, for eg) for the something we are looking for to find us. that, is where the leap of faith comes in.


personally, i found it hard to commit to that leap of faith and trusts some things to happen. i still do. that is partly why i withdraw, i retreat and i sting at times. i used to fight hard against faith because i had so much difficulty believing in it.
as time goes, though, i've grown more mature, and in a sense, more weary and more jaded, fighting hard becomes very wearisome. that's when i unknowingly started giving in and begin to stop looking. and i must say.... it isn't all that bad. it helps me get over things better, helps me grow as a person and helps to put a lot of things in perspective. i do not deny that it has also make my life a little bit easier, without that constant suffocation of fighting against faith.


long ago when i was still keeping handwritten diaries, i remember i once wrote a short excerpt titled "let go... u'll find a better day". maybe i was wiser than i thought when i was younger.


------

one more time, i have to tell myself: i am a lucky girl.
i think thru it all, i must have had a lucky star shining for me or a guardian angel looking over me. no matter how tough things seemed to be, i seemed to be able to get thru it intact and relatively unscathed. and this makes me feel like no matter how tough things seem they might be, i will find a way to get thru it too.
simply bcos there seems to be a lucky star or a guardian angel doing their thing for me =)


one more song from 2001..

Embrace - Wonder

All the signs were there for me to see,
If I cry out with fear I'll feel more afraid,
So beat sense back into me,
Cause you are like forbidden fruit out of my reach
And I forgot what I had sometimes

But if everyone has their shot and moves on
and you can't get out the way
well it's you wonder will save

If you were mine and now you're mine to want
And I knew if you'd cut the cord rushed like balloons
I'd fall, its criminal to pause
as you basked in the seas applause I had it all
And I forgot what I had sometimes

But if everyone has their shot and moves on
and you can't get out the way
and it's all for the best it's all a lie
that everyone has their day
Cause if everyone has their shot and moves on
and you just get in the way
well it's you wonder will save

Don't let them make you feel small with their hands like guns at your head,
they'll claw but they'll never win if you let wonder in...

Cause if everyone has their shot and moves on
and you can't get out the way
and it's all for the best it's all a lie
and everyone has their day
Cause if everyone has their shot and moves on
and you can't get out the way
well it's you wonder will save


------ Monday, December 12, 2005

cristiano ronaldo is freaking lousy.. why can't anyone else see that?
1) sir alex doesn't seem to see that, seeing the amount of times he allowed ronaldo to play.
2) football pundits on tv don't seem to see that, seeing how excited they sound when they talk about ronaldo.
3) football commentators don't seem to see that, seeing how they ramble on and on about "and this is where/how ronaldo can be such a threat".


THREAT?? what threat??
1) he loses the ball like 80% of the time.
2) his corners and freekicks are horribly flat. it's a total waste of the corner when he takes them. take a lesson from giggs, dude!
3) his crosses... what? u mean he crosses? i thought he was deliberately mis-passing.
4) his dribbles are often unsuccessful. he has this really dumb habit of running straight INTO defenders instead of finding a way AROUND them, as all good dribblers strive to do. he? he just simply runs headlong into them, hoping the ball will somehow bounce off their shins/heads/bootlaces/ass nicely for him to continue his "amazing dribble". puuuuiiiiii! even kieran richardson can dribble better than him. compare him to ronaldinho? a loooong distance away!


really, sometimes he's a burden to the team, considering the amazing rate at which he mispasses/loses the ball/falls over.
he does has his merits which are 1) when his dribbles get through once in a while; 2) he has considerable pace (though i bet he loses out to wayne rooney) which can at least push the opposition defenders; and 3) if the referee is in the mood for drama, he can provide the falls and the pained expressions on his face.


yes this is a biased entry but hey, i was one of ronaldo's admirers and "defender" when my dad began to comment a long time ago that ronaldo's not a good player. now.. he just doesn't inspire a match anymore. he's young and there's time to improve and all that but i haven't seen any improvement ever since the season started. now i see... dad's the wise one with the most forsight HAHAHA!


and i have just written one whole LONG entry on how fricking lousy a player he can be. grrrrrrrr.


this season is beginning to suck real bad. never have i felt so weary in my 10 years of supporting man united. and this cristiano ronaldo is making it worse for me.
if it's up to me, i'd rather take a risk and play the 32-year-old almost-nearly-fit ole gunnar solskjaer than this 20-year-old looks-fit cristiano ronaldo.


oh how i wish sir alex can get to see this.


------ Sunday, December 11, 2005

today, i've learnt about hurricane names. amazing what the web can teach you if only u go and take a look.


last night i dreamt that my house toilet was haunted. HAHAHA. talk about weird.


current addictions:
chris brown - run it
beyonce - check on it
foo fighters - walking after you
jay chou - fa ru xue
michael buble - save the last dance
craig david - don't love you no more (i'm sorry)


nice.


------ Saturday, December 10, 2005

yesterday ms B was telling me that she ran into mr K, who told her about the day he ran into me while i was desperately trying to sought help for fixing my lappie. and last night, i dreamt of mr K. uncanny.


but the dream was... intriguing for lack of a better word. it was weird in the sense that it made me think about how the dream reflected something that was almost like reality in a way. about different reactions and different expectations under different circumstances.
and maybe that's it. i've always crumbled under expectations. and sometimes, the expectations might not even be real.. it might be what i thought their expectations might be. foolish, ain't it? but sigh, that's what happens to me. i'm so afraid of not living up to expectations. not others, but i'm afraid of not being able to face up to my own expectations of myself. so instead, i choose to just walk away sometimes. it's damaging and selfish, i know, but sometimes, i simply do not know what else to do. it's a lousy reason - not knowing what else to do and i do feel horrible about it. i'm working to improve that aspect but... the leopard always finds it hard to change her spots.


thinking back to the last time K and i went out, there was a particular scene that really struck me only recently. it never occured to me then or even sometime later. but it struck me only recently. like, a week ago or so. which was like, nearly 6 months after the day. hahaha! but then again, it might not be what i thought it was la.


and when i met up with vanessa and tiffany on thursday, we made possible plans to go mambo next wed. but from the way vanessa said it, i half thought that mr M is going too. no please!


oh well... i'm really enjoying the time doing nothing at all. playing dumb games on the comp like sudoku, rocket mania, solitaire showdown and subway scramble. ok yes i'm boring and a no-lifer but really, i like it this way. i think i've earned the right to slack my days away this short hols!


=peaceout=


------

happy birthday, kelvina!!
sheesh the poor gal is in the midst of her exams preparations. but luckily, we still have some time to meet up for dinner and drinks for her birthday. had some japanese food and then headed down to timbre for some drinks. the informal band was pretty good - the bass guitarist is cute! if i did not remember wrongly, he was the same one who played with eic for our closing time concert. clement, his name, i think.
ran into youyi as well as jeremy at timbre as well...
a nice nite all in all...


well, kel told me something that has the potential to put me off beer!
*ahem
the carbs from beer is stored in our greater omentum, which is behind our abdominal muscles. when we work out to burn the dreaded fats, we tone our abs BUT the omentum sadly remains there. so that basically mean beer really does make me fat and it's extremely difficult to get rid of it!!
*GASPS. NO BEER NO BEER!!
i shall instead try and switch to the magaritas and the bland housepours. the effect of those are less fatal than beer. SIGH.
and i was really digging hoegaarden and heineken. sigh.
ray, edmund etc... SEE THIS?? NO BEER OK!!


------ Wednesday, December 07, 2005

got this from somewhere and i think the sentence that really struck me was the last 2 lines.


“Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are.”
- Don Miguel Ruiz


I am a lot of things I know what I am not.
I am not afraid.
And because of this, I take the risk of being alive.


------

hmmmm i'm kinda like a bit displeased with a friend of mine (though he doesn't know that i'm displeased with him but that's another story). it's like.... a bit like i've 看错人.. i think yv should know what i mean. damn.


i mean... to think i'd somewhat sided with you after that episode and now you come and pull one back on me us is it? champion..


argh i do not know what else to say. what else to say here and what else to say to u for now for that matter.
maybe, just maybe, u are lucky that i'm in such a slack and switch-off mode now that i really cant seem to gear myself up for any sort of possible "confrontations" (ok i cant find a milder word). and truth be told, i cant really bring myself to confront u either. whatever.


and maybe the real damn thing is that u do not know i'm displeased with you.


------ Tuesday, December 06, 2005

went to see khoo about my tax grades today.. and turns out that he had some transcription error for my paper.. luckily i went to see him. and eventually my grade got upped by quite a bit so i'm a happy girl for now. big jump man. hopefully this and cat (and hopefully finance) can make up for my (potentially disastrous) twc n ais paper. ohwell.


yday, person Z told me she cant believe that i'm still single. today, i talked with person Y about another friend of ours whom i'm currently a bit displeased with. and my conclusion is that.. i like my life now. i still like being single. it's really alot less problematic.
it's like... when u are single, sometimes u would think about how nice it is to have a bf/gf, to have someone with you and care for you n stuff like that. but currently, i'm perfectly happy being single. i have no how-abouts, what-ifs, maybe-i-shoulds, what-abouts and no conflicting messages flashing all around. life is swell. the guy problems and what-nots can all leave outside the door (or in the closet).
yday, person Z was also asking me about person M and she commented that person M must be dejected. i laughed and told her, yeah right. i don't really person M and vice versa.


that said, i'm hooked onto this song all of a sudden thou it's a song from rather long ago:


foo fighters - walking after you"
Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
Dreaming aloud
Things just won't do without you, matter of fact
Oh I'm on your back
I'm on your back, oh I'm on your back
If you'd accept surrender, give up somemore
Weren't you adored
I cannot be without you, matter of fact
Oh I'm on your back
If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you
Another heart is cracked in two, I'm on your back
I cannot be without you, matter of fact
Oh I'm on your back
I'm on your back, oh I'm on your back
If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you
If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you


absolutely nice song.


------

@#($&#@(*%^*#@&$(!&#@(!&$(!&#(*!^R$(*@^#%(!*&@#)!(@#&!)^$(*@#


there u go. it's official.. i've screwed this term up. i think when ais and twc (and maybe finance) results are out, it will be more violent than this. SIGH. i had wanted to blog abt only happy things today but... SIGH.


anws met pearlyn to buy charles's prez and then met my dear ex teammates for dinner and to catch harry potter. it's a nice show but it wasn't as good as i expected. too rushed i think. prob will not understand the whole show if i didnt read the book.
shd i go shopping tmr? SIGH.


i hate getting back my results. they are worse than taking the paper itself. i dread getting back the rest of my results. =(


------ Sunday, December 04, 2005

finally over!!


finally finally! in the words of jem, yeah balls!
thou twc n ais paper sucked like no other, but at least they r over!


went out with the original 4 yday after ais paper.. bain, hongyi, yvonne n me.
its so so nice hanging out with them aaaaaahhh. we went to eat at lemongrass thai restaurant, which was wonderful. then we even went to the arcade to race daytona to destress! i think i havent stepped into an arcade to play anything for like, years. gosh i feel old! and then we even planned our next great adventure.. to taipei! hopefully it works out!


i was looking through my tracker references and somehow got to see this post from february.. gosh so much raw emotions then.
it makes me wonder thou.. i got this feeling that i might not be capable of such raw and complex and basically, so much emotions now. somehow i feel pretty hollow now. kinda like nothing really matters anymore feeling.
which isnt too bad actually.


i'm gonna love this hols just nua-ing around!


------ Friday, December 02, 2005

amazing.. ais paper tmr afternoon and i'm here. i'm not even halfway thru. someone spell "die" for me pls.


anDY : so u found the ans to ya nick ?
jiahui :. how far is heaven: yups i've found the answer to my nick
jiahui :. how far is heaven: the answer is.... VERY FAR AWAY


------ Thursday, December 01, 2005

3 down, 1 to go (again).. that sounds better, doesn't it? until i flipped open my horrendous brown ais 700+ pages thick textbook..



look at how closely spaced everything is...



and the words are BLUE


sian.. where got ppl print 700+ pages textbook in BLUE one?? sigh.


on a separate note, i have been reading some tributes to george best and i must say, although i've never seen him play, i finally understand just how huge a player he is. this is my fave tribute, by eric cantona, no less.
"After his first training session in heaven, George Best, from his favourite right wing, turned the head of God who was filling in at left-back.
I would love him to save me a place in his team, George Best that is, not God."
nice.


=backtoais=


------